Kiss
Puke
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
