I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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