I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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