I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
