She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Farmville is her only friend.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
