sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
