so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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