shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
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