Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
