I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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