Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
