he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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