Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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