yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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