Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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