i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.