When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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