i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just google imaged poop.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
