Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
