You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
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Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
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It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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