well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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