I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
