you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
