Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My ATM looks so different sober.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
