Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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