i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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