I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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