I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
