I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
