I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just gift wrapped bread.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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