Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
