Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
