It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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