You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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