the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
