Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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