When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
