i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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