Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
