I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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