there's paper in my vomit.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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