Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
