Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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