i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
well you can't waste a boner
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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