its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
