she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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