My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
