Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
