I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
