I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
