My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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