it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
