This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
