oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
