I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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