I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
