Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
