i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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