Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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