I think my fart just growled at me.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
COCAINE IS GR8
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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