I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
